So today Daddy Bee and I have been together for a year. I’m the happiest I have ever been. Who would of thought that we would have a month old baby, or own house and so much love for each other a year on.
Lots of love to Daddy Bee today who is taking me out for dinner. Ekkkk better go and get ready!
One day I’m feeling like I’m trapped, that there’s nothing I can do to change the path in which I’m going. The next day I’m on top of the world making plans for the future, conquering all the things I was meant to do that month in one morning.
It makes me sad to read back my previous post. When all them things are true, my positive self tries to push on and be excited for what I have rather than what I might of had.
I’m just trying to make the most of this one precious life you are given. And sometimes I wonder whether I have ventured on the wrong path. Maybe I did. But regretting irreversible decisions is not going to make me feel better.
I need to achieve everything I want to. That is going to make me satisfied with life.
Everyday must be filled, to keep me busy and give me purpose or I end up wallowing in my own tears resenting everything I have.
I love my family. Nothing could change that.
Young mummy bee xxx
I hate that I make quick decisions and don’t see them through
I hate that I’m indecisive and end up making the wrong decisions
I hate that I’m never happy no matter how hard everyone tries
I hate that I feel I need to be looked after like a child
I hate that I always think the grass is greener
I hate that my body has changed so much and that its irreversibly damaged
I hate that I did this so young
I hate that I create stress for my boyfriend and make him upset
I hate that he’s doing everything and more that he can to make me happy and I’m still not
I hate that he’s stuck with me because I’m unappreciative and don’t do my bit willingly
I hate that I moan about being a housewife and a mother
I hate that I’m shit at being a housewife and a mother
I hate that I hate being a mum
I hate not being able to run out to the shops without taking a baby and hundreds of bags
I hate that people I love worry about me
I hate the fact my daughter is stuck with me as a mum she deserves better
I hate that the family I’ve created and my boyfriend works so hard to support I’m acting as if I don’t want it
I hate that people have tried with me so much throughout my life and I’ve thrown it back in their faces
I hate that I can’t just do something and not have to worry about money, bills or a baby
I hate that I didn’t appreciate being at home rent free with no responsibilities
I hate being an adult
I hate being responsible
I hate my boyfriend looks after me like a child because I need it
I hate that I put so much pressure on him
I hate that I make him unhappy and worried about me
I hate that he loves me so much because I love him more than this world and sometimes I think he’d be happier without me. He’d be free from worrying about me and trying to make me happy when all I do is throw it back in his face
I hate that I brought my daughter into this world and all I do is resent her, she doesn’t deserve that she’s defenceless
I hate that I never felt that rush of love when I first had her
I hate that I fear she knows how I feel when she looks at me
I hate that I feel this way, I’ve made decisions that can’t be reversed and I’ve dragged two beautiful people into my unhappiness.
I hate that I can’t see an end to these feelings
I hate I think about mortgages and savings accounts
I hate that I haven’t got anyone but my boyfriend and that I know it’s my own doing
I hate that one minute everything is amazing and the next I’m overwhelmed and hopeless
I hate I only have a baby to talk to all day
I hate our relationship has changed
I hate we don’t have time for nighttime cuddles
I hate that I fall asleep as soon as he gets home from work
I hate that I can’t just run away when I want
I hate that I’m so selfish an self centred
I hate that no one has given up on me when they should of a long time ago
I hate that I’m so unmotivated and make myself worse
I hate that I go out on a whim with everything and never see anything through
I hate that I’m scared to show anyone this
I hate myself and everything that I’ve turned into.
And I hate that anyone I love might think its partly their fault when it isn’t, it’s my own doing
It has not stopped this weekend. From the moment Daddy Bee got home from work Friday night it was full on fitting in everything we had planned for the weekend. Our flat is full to the brim with all my baby bumble bee’s gifts from family and friends.
When I was pregnant I organised everything that we had for the new arrival, but once she arrived we were inundated with gifts for her which is greatly received, yet trying to find the space keep it all in our cramped home with limited storage proved difficult.
Saturday was busy from the moment we opened our eyes. Although we did manage to grab 15 minutes to have a family cuddle in bed which is always my favourite part of the day. After packing the car to the brim with all the baby things for the day we headed off out visiting family members who had not yet seen our little bumble bee.
I love how my little girl is so good when we are out, she is not clingy towards me and at the moment will go to everyone without a whine or moan. Everyone comments on how calm and happy baby she is, I truly am very lucky to have her.
We spent the night at my Dad’s and for the first time since I gave birth I got a full 9hr nights sleep which was AMAZING! My little bumble bed spent the night with the grandad waking him up for her feeds. That one good nights sleep really does make that difference, I felt on top of the world this morning.
We are all cuddled up on the sofa as I write this, catching up on our weekend television ready for bed.
Thank you all for your patience with my sporadic posting recently. Having a newborn has taken the energy out of me to do anything other than housework, looking after baby or eating myself.
Love to you all
I am now officially a student studying Interior Design! I’m very excited after finally receiving formal confirmation that I have a place in my chosen course.
For me this Is the first step on my end goal of being a successful interior designer earning a good living so that I can provide for my little bumble bee.
She has been my motivation for achieving this ambitious goal. I am determined to show all the people who deemed me as a lost cause that I can achieve good things!
Watch this space.
Young mummy bee
Please excuse my absence from my blog recently. As you all know I had my gorgeous little bumble bee 2 weeks ago. Since then I have been busy busy busy. Busy with adjusting to being a mother (those broken nights sleep are getting tiring!). Busy with sorting my shit heap of a house out. And busy with sorting my next life goal, college.
I have researched the help that I would receive if I decided to attend a college course. It turns out if I attended college starting this September I would gain full support and help from the government with childcare, course fees and expenses. Last year before I found out about my pregnancy I had just finished a foundation in art and design. I had always wanted to pursue a career within a creative industry. I have decided to grab the bull by its horns and go for my dreams. I am enrolling in college starting September studying Interior Design.
I’m so excited to study and gain a qualification which I can use to help support my family one day. Alot of critical, negative people seemed determined to put me down and convince me that becoming pregnant would signal the beginning of a downhill future lifestyle. And that it would be ‘too hard’ to ever make something of myself with a child in tow.
I have found the complete opposite of that apparent destiny. Having my beautiful little bumble bee has made me more determined to become someone and to provide everything and more for my daughter.
I can’t wait to be a graduate, attending interviews for high paid jobs in a couple of years time laughing at the ones who dismissed me as nothing and was convinced I would never achieve anything.
Having a child does not put an end to your dreams, just a temporary pause whilst you work out your new priorities.
Determination + Strength + Persistence